Dumb jocks, the NCAAs and my fear of glaucoma

Let’s start with sports. Who is stupider? Ben Rothlesburger or Shawn Rogers? Hanging around college bars trying to pick up 19-year-olds when you are 27 and a famous, rich athlete is pretty damn stupid but I’m going with the Brown’s Rogers for trying to bring a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag onto a flight out of the Cleveland airport yesterday, for the near 100% chance of getting caught.

I’m going with Michigan State all the way in the NCAA Tournament. I see an MSU v. WVU final, and I can live with either as the victor in that one. If it is a Butler-Duke final I’d say the over/under on percentage of people rooting for Duke will be about 10. Feel free to get your opinions in before tomorrow’s tip off.

Sticking with the NCAA, which I have always believed was the third most evil, self-serving and stupid NGO in America (after the Democratic and Republican political parties); leave it to them to decide to radically change the tournament for next year immediately on the heels of the most exciting tournament they’ve ever held. It’s all about the jack – Jack.

I see Astra-Zeneca is permission to market Crestor to people who don’t have high cholesterol, with the goal of keeping them from developing high cholesterol. I never worry about cholesterol, but I have a deep and abiding fear of developing glaucoma. If only there was something I could use daily to prevent me from developing glaucoma I’d be a happy camper. Any ideas out there for a palliative?

Are you guys familiar with Prizm Clusters? It’s a marketing research tool that divides people into 66 social segments with names like “bedrock America,” “shotguns & pickups,” and “urban achievers.” I’d really love to see a Prizm analysis of Tea Party members. I have a feeling the segments would be a lot different than the stereotype. It feels like the U.S. is being slowly, but unstoppably pulled into two camps that are only able to shout at and call one another names. I find this both sad and frightening. It also provides a daily reminder that half of the population is of below average intelligence.

I want to go on record as not needing an i-Pad.

A big shout out and thank you goes to our recent guest bloggers, Ken Whitaker, Hank Schiffman and Bill Brent. They did a great job and I’m hoping a few more of you will take up the challenge. We could use some diversity, which reminds me…where are the women? We need the female point of view. All you have to do is pick a topic of interest to you and write between 500-800 words, which is less than a full page. Let me know if you are interested: dennisblank@hotmail.com.

Picking your team

Picking the team you want to win is both an art and a manifestation of all one’s experiences and prejudices – at least it is for me. I have a very firm set of rules, but their application and hierarchy are very subjective and subject to change at any time.

Let’s start with the basics: my earliest memories are of sitting on my father’s lap watching the Cleveland Browns. They are the nucleus of my sports universe. The Cleveland Indians and the Ohio State football team are very close to this core, as well. I root for them always over any team, without exception. The same is true for the Cleveland Cavaliers but I can’t put them at the same level – in fact, without a spellchecker you might not even recognize my version of the word meaning French swordsmen.

Next, regardless of sport, I root for teams from northeastern Ohio first, and then any team from Ohio over any team from someplace else. My next order of allegiance goes to the Big Ten, and then to teams from the Midwest, which I define as falling within an area bounded by Pittsburgh on the east, West Virginia on the south, Nebraska and Kansas on the west, and the Canadian border; however this area does not include Missouri or the Dakotas.

From here my allegiances become more variable, but there are some rules. I will generally root for an eastern team over a western team, and a northern team over a southern team. That said, I don’t think I’ve ever rooted for a team from New England other than the Celtics – and that was a long time ago and only because they had John Havlecheck. Actually I always root for the American League winner in the World Series, so I have rooted for the Sox.

I have never rooted for a team from New York.

I will almost always root for a public university over a private school, and never, ever, root for Duke, USC, Stanford, or Miami. I will occasionally root for Notre Dame but only if they are playing one of the aforementioned private institutions, or a Florida team in a bowl. I think of the-team-from-up-north as being in this category, although their Big Ten-ness trumps their other negative qualities when they play outside the conference.

Race plays a role -- especially in basketball. I don’t like all white or all black teams as much as integrated teams. Uniforms can tip the balance; as long as Phil Knight is dressing Oregon like circus clowns they will not have my support. Coaches can sway things too. Jim Calhoun at Connecticut is a negative example, Mike Singletary is a positive example, as I would otherwise never favor the 49ers.

Some teams I just hate. The Raiders, the Cowboys, the Dodgers, the Mets (although it is mostly their fans that I hate), the “U,” (in fact, pretty much any team from Florida except the Dolphins, and that’s only because of Paul Warfield).

Once there is no Midwestern team involved it can get complicated as some of these rules can conflict with some others. When there is no clear cut rule to apply, I root for underdogs – especially at home.

I have no idea if the above is the sign of a sick and overly idle mind or just my version of how sports fans think in general. Please enlighten me.