Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The d’blank Middle East peace plan

Once, in a discussion of the never-ending conflict between Palestinians and Israelis, a friend asked rhetorically, “How can there be any rocks left on the West Bank? Haven’t the Palestinians thrown them all by now?”

This dispute is the root of all of our problems in the Middle East. Yes, I know, there’s oil, but that’s just money and there is always a way to divide up the money to make everyone reasonably happy. But Israel/Palestine is about blood and land, and it isn’t going to end until one of these parties is just gone.

So in my plan, we (the U.S.) would act as the broker, selling Israel to the Palestinians. They, of course, have no money, so they will have to get it from the Saudis, the other Arab oil states, and from Western European countries that depend on oil from that part of the world. And they will want to pony up because Part II of the plan is we move all the Israelis to the U.S. and leave present day Israel to the Palestinians.

This will end the conflict completely and for all time. It will require some negotiations on access to Jerusalem and other holy sites, but that can be worked out.

This plan may sound impractical, but it these days of multi-trillion dollar bailouts it isn’t really too big a task. There are only 7.1 million people in Israel, and at $100,000 per person in relocation expenses, it would cost only $700 billion to move everyone and set them up with a decent start in America.

Seven million people won’t upset the political order here, and the Israelis live on fewer than 8,000 square miles now. That’s smaller than New Hampshire, and since they’d probably prefer a desert climate it shouldn’t be hard to carve out space for them in the far west where the government owns millions of acres, and where a middle-sized state like New Mexico occupies 122,000 square miles – more than 15 times the size of Israel alone – and yet has fewer than 2 million inhabitants.

Hell, Ted Turner personally owns almost 5,000 square miles of U.S. real estate and he has a powerful need to save the world. I imagine we could work something out with him.

This plan would not only create peace, it would be a good deal for the U.S. economy. Those 7 million Israelis grind out an annual GDP of more than $164 billion from their sun-blasted, resource-poor piece of rock and sand, while fighting a never-ending war and devoting significant sums to defense. While well below the U.S. and Western Europe’s per capita GDP, it is first among the next tier; ahead of South Korea, more than double Russia’s or Brazil’s, and dwarfing either China’s or India’s output. They’d be a great addition to the U.S. economy. I say this is a bargain compared to the Wall Street bailout.

Does anyone have BHO’s email address?


fenway said...

Before I (ahem) render judgment..... what about all those hard-line settlement people? What percent are they of the 7 million Israeli citizenry? Aren't they 'it's my way or the highway' people?

leslies said...

I'm just thinking Russell Baker's back to writing!

kgwhit said...

They need to go somewhere in Utah. The Mormons view that as the promised land, it is a desert area, and if they miss the Palestinians, then they can shell Salt Lake City.
The Mormon culture is very much us against the world so they can have a new enemy...the US Government has left all but the most blatant polygamists alone.
It seems like a win win situation for all involved. The only folks screwed are the Arab potentates who always blame Israel for the way they treat their subjects.

The Nik said...

I have my reservations, but I'll support your plan. Now, there is a reason why New Mexico is so thinly populated, but I'm sure the Israelis will do something nice with the place. The one thing I can really stand behind is iron-clad border protection. Think El Al meets the US Border Patrol. Mexico and their top import won't stand a chance. Our economy just might have a chance to adjust and repair itself and places like southern California and Arizona will become livable again and the United States can truly call themselves a sovereign country once more.

Warrenout said...

I'm confused. Wouldn't they want to move in with relatives in NYC and Miami. Save more money.What would come of the wailing wall? and what about the temple? They are God's chosen for Christ sakes. The ACLU would have a field day. Let them fight. We have no business speaking of fairness and land acquistion with our poor history of Native American abuse let alone Slavery. If we were free of oil dependency we wouldn't care because it wouldn't matter. Just a little east is the mainland of Africa nobody really seems to care about them, except for the southern part where the diamonds are.It's ironic Dr Leakey called that part of the world the incubator of human civilization.Although moving Israel to Salt Lake would be fun to watch what a clash of ideals that would be.

hankster said...

As Fenway put it in other words, god is part of the equation. No doubt secular Israelis would jump at the opportunity to be included in Pax Americana. But those who feel they are doing god's heavy lifting aren't going away.

Doesn't Charles Darwin sound great?

Fistinyoface said...

Interesting notion, Blogmaster, but this conflict has been raging since the dawn of time. The mid-east was the cradle of civilization and shall be the flashpoint of armageddon. It is written.

Let's stop worrying about destiny and haul ass over to and take my pal Dick Masterson's 2009 Man Challenge.

Fenway, unless you've grown a johnson, you may read but not participate.

And finally, foreign cars are for assholes - BAM proved it 25 years ago.

Birdman said...

Utah sounds good to me. Those Mormans won't know what hit 'em.

However, we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to relocating entire populations of people. See: Trail of Tears circa 1830, Japanese relocation 1942. Worked out well for everybody but those being relocated.

I'm also not sure you'd get much buy in from the Rebbi Shnearson crowd. They seem pretty tickled with being in Israel. You couldn't get them out of there with a crow bar.

Good financial plan though. An alternative comes from Afghanistan. I've heard that we're a lot of success with the local "warlords" by giving them not money but viagra. I suggest we air drop 10 million one-month prescriptions into Gaza and southern Lebanon with the opportunity to refill 12 times. Given the cost of viagra, this baby could pay for itself in 6 months and the populations involved would be too "busy" launching "rockets" domestically to bother lobbing them into Israel.

Gaga said...

Then we ship everyone of color back to the dark continent?

fenway said...

Fisty: as I have become The Sports Guy ay has, on several occasions, mentioned I must have grown one. Assume I will participate.

MikeyLikesIt said...

Actually, the best thing to do is drop a bunch of flyers telling everyone to leave Jerusalem, then nuke it off the face of the earth. Some people will refuse to leave and some will be unable to leave, they'll get blown up and that's too bad, but hey, that appears to be the attitude of both the Israelis and Hamas, which amounts to you can't make an omelette without breaking a few civilians. That gets the holy site issue off the table.

Then we find two or three other groups of unhappy and long-oppressed ethnic minorities (like the Aborigines in Australia or the Karen in Burma) create new homeland states for them out of existing parts of Israel, Jordan, Syria and Lebanon, transport the populations there and arm them to the teeth.

That way Israel won't be the only state that was carved out of somebody else's turf, rightly or wrongly, and there'll be lots of players to complicate things,and everybody can fight it out based on pure misguided nationalism rather than what some bearded guy said hundreds of years ago.

d'blank said...

First, I’m limiting my proposal to Israel/Palestine. There are plenty of contested lands in the world, but at the moment none of the other situations have the potential to envelope the whole world.
Second, this isn’t the Trail of Tears; this would be voluntary and it will only work if, say, 80+% of Israelis take the deal. Those who don’t can stay and take their chances with the new, and no doubt benevolent, Islamic Republic of Palestine – may God be Merciful. Things may not go well for them, but they would have had their chance to leave, and if religious martyrdom is their preference who are we to interfere?
Meanwhile, Bin Laden, Ahmadinejad, and the like-minded will have a much reduce litany of complaints to make against the Great Satin. I think many fewer people will be willing to make themselves into human bucker-busters if we and the Israelis leave them to a solitary existence in their oversized sand box.

d'blank said...

Hey everyone - go back to the "The ad you'll only see here" post and scroll down to the latest comments. "The other d'blank" has a special offer only for Daily Blank readers.

warrenout said...

Thank Christ, for the other D Blank. I have been looking for a connection since my Uncle retired. He retired a week after he sold me a brand new Chevy Colorado.And yes Dennis you get screwed everytime you buy a car. I happen to like it best from family members. Its an intamcy thing. I feel cheap and dirty when i buy off of strangers. Between my wife and I we bought 12.

d'blank said...

I often quote Uncle Butch: "You have to screw your friends and family memebers twice, because your enemies won't let you get close enough to get 'em once."