Lying is the best medicine

Tiger Woods’ recent problems offer an opportunity to examine one of those things everyone knows is true. I speak of the principle that the only way to deal with an embarrassing laps in personal deportment is to “get out in front of it” and “come clean with the complete truth” before it is inevitably made public via a long, Chinese-water torture, process of daily embarrassing revelations.

Like most bits of common wisdom there is an element of truth here; in all likelihood holding back will keep the dogs digging for more bones, and they are going to find some, but let’s examine this more closely. First of all, who is it that is dispensing all this sage advice to the philanderers, dog killers and drug users of America? Members of the working media, people selling advice books and other “experts,” as defined by 25-year-old Good Morning America and the Today Show associate producers.

The “experts” say that Tiger should have come clean to them, which is just a bit of a conflict of interest, isn’t it? And really, how realistic is that advice? They would have had Tiger stepping in front of the cameras, while the Escalade was still resting on its side, fessing up to who-the-hell-knows-how-many extra marital affairs in advance of their discovery. This just isn’t the way the male mind works. Deny, deny, deny is DNA hard-wired in men’s brains as the only reasonable response. As Richard Pryor once claimed to have said to one of his wives when she caught him in bed with another woman, “Who are you gonna believe baby? Me or your lyin’ eyes?”

But let’s say one was able to overcome the power of genetics; is the advice actually any good? I say no. The experts think they got the best of Tiger because they uncovered 3-4 of his playing partners. Well, what if there we actually 25 of them? Don’t the undiscovered five foursomes potentially save him tens of millions on his newly renegotiated prenuptial agreement?

Then there is the argument that stonewalling the media will inevitably lead to a ruined public image and lessening of celebrity-driven earning power. This is clearly horse hockey. Buzzard and I were discussing the issue on the phone yesterday during the Florida-Alabama game, and here is a very partial list of celebrities who did not come clean after some sort of public indiscretion: Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Ray Lewis, David Letterman, Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, Rob Lowe, Alex Rodriguez, Hugh Grant, and Eddie Murphy. Crack a beer and make your own list. It will be twice as long as ours before the foam settles.

Are any of these guys wandering penniless in the wilderness? No. Letterman’s ratings actually went up after his partial non-apology. Kobe is King of the NBA. They all earn millions a year. With the exception of Slick Willie, the expert’s advice may actually be true for politicians, but I think that’s only because nobody likes them before they screw-up so there is no reservoir of good will to draw upon.

So take my advice. If you get caught at whatever, don’t talk to the media, don’t admit anything, take as long a vacation as you can to the most remote place you can find, and when you come back, pretend nothing ever happened - this is America where everything is forgotten sooner or later.

West Point Afghanistan speech

President Obama’s speech from West Point tonight was one of his best. He made a strong, logical argument, and even infused it with a little emotion – something he injects into most of his speeches too sparingly.

Never-the-less, I am not persuaded that we will accomplish in the next eighteen months what we have failed to accomplish in the past eight years, using less than half as many troops as we’ve had in Iraq.

What will Afghanistan be like in a year after we pull out? The appropriate analogy is that is will be changed just as much as the glass of water is changed once one removes a finger from it.

It was very hard to look at all the strong young faces in the West Point audience – literally the best America has to offer – without wondering which of them will leave life or limb in the Afghan mountains, trying in vain to prop up a corrupt government while fighting a ghost army.

The Bush administration left Obama with few choices – none of them easy – but I fear he is not choosing wisely. We need to get out of there now and rebuild this country. Every day we spend in Afghanistan we’re nothing more than the most effective recruiting agent for the Taliban and Al Qaeda.

A modern conversation

I got a text message from someone named Matt tonight.

Matt (9:08 PM) Wats good 5 5

me (9:12) wrong number

Matt (9:20) Dis ain't Jessica???

me (9:22) not even close

Matt (9:23) Dis Matt. who dis?

me (9:24) Dis a 60 year old man

Matt (9:25) Sorry about that sir
me (9:25) no prblm

Intelligent design

We’ve probably offended everyone’s political convictions on this blog by now, so let’s work on religion for a change. Somebody said more people have been killed in the name of religion than any other cause, and surely that is true. For this and other reasons, I don’t have much use for organized religion, but I’m much less sure what I think when it comes to the existence of God.

Surely for every person killed in the name of God, many more have been comforted by the knowledge that there is a God who loves them. There is so much evil in the world it is easy to discount the possibility of a benevolent, supreme being overseeing our lives, (much less accept the idea that “He needs your money” as George Carlin liked to remind us). Disbelief is the easy path; belief is hard work.

I have no ambivalence when it comes to teaching creationism or intelligent design in public schools however - that’s not the place for it – but I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts while humping away on the elliptical at the gym today and got to wondering about something.

“Studio 360” devoted the whole program to Darwin in honor of his 200th birthday. If there was ever anything you could characterize as intelligent design, wouldn’t it be evolution? It would be hard to imagine a more complex, elegant and logically structured system. Whether it was invented by God or just happened, it is certainly an intelligent design.

So why can’t evolution be the intelligent design certain Christians want to be taught in school? And why don’t scientists propose this idea? Wouldn’t it stop a lot of arguing and make society just a little more harmonious?

Happy Thanksgiving

I have nothing profound to add to the basic idea of the day. We all have something for which to be thankful. For starters, none of us are out in a rice paddy, standing in water up to our knees, digging for our dinners.

This is the best of all holidays; there are no competing religious dogma to divide us. We can all just be thankful for whatever gifts we've been given in whatever way pleases us.

We can be thankful that commercial interests have found it difficult to leverage Thanksgiving to much effect. Yes, there is the big parade, which has turned into one long television commercial, but Thanksgiving has become the last day we are actually semi-free of the unrelenting urging to "buy! buy! buy!" that will dominate our lives for the next 30 days. So far, the stores are holding off until at least midnight of the day after. Black Friday is a good name for it, too.

So I wish you all the best of all Thanksgivings. May you spend it with people you love, and who love you.

Warren O'Florida

I’ve been in Florida for eight days now, and based on the television advertising I would guess that the number one industry is suing people as a result of automobile accidents. It is also mandatory that in every commercial transaction that the buyer is asked, and provides, their Christian name before the transaction.

I’ve made a couple of critical acquaintances: the bookstore owner and the cigar shop proprietor. The former offers excellent dining advice and the latter serves excellent espresso and will talk about anything.

Did you know that there is a separate genre of fiction known as Florida lit? You may have heard of some of the better known practitioners of this craft like Carl Hiaasen or Randy Wayne Wright, but there are dozens. They feature wacky, iconoclastic people and situations; my new friend at the bookstore talked me on to one by Tim Dorsey who writes about a psychopathic serial killer who only kills people who need to be killed. I’ll give you a report later. And while this is an easy place at which to poke fun, it reminds me of Long Island with good weather.

I promised not to speak of the weather too often, but it is sorta the point of the place after all, and there is something pretty nice about sitting at the beach in shorts and a tee shirt in mid-November, as I am right now.

I’ve been driving my mother and her pals to the hair dresser, the grocery store and assorted other places. Does anyone know why the seat belt is so difficult for old people to either operate or to accept as a part of riding in a car? I have to put the belt on for all the old ladies and my mother pops hers off the moment we pull into her development and off the public roads.

It’s been pretty quiet. My only adventure was trying to find a good sports bar where I could watch the Ohio State game Saturday. The first try was closed (who’d want to watch a game on a Saturday afternoon in November?) and I ended up driving to Daytona Beach, truly a Long Island wannabe. Florida was playing South Carolina and had the big TV at the first place I stopped. I was relegated to a TV smaller than my mother’s with no HD, and I was sitting next to a guy who couldn’t tell me enough about how much he hated Ohio State in between singing along to the bad country music on the box.

I moved on to a nearby Hooters during a timeout. They had 40 TVs and at least as many Hooter girls, but none of them could manage to get ESPN to come in on the satellite. I made my way to the heart of DB where there was another big sports bar, but could not find a place to park within 20 blocks (Long Island again). I drove up the coast, getting desperate. I saw a small bar and pulled in. I was ready for a 19” b&w if necessary. There were four TVs – all tuned to the ‘gator game, each with a small knot of bikers huddled in front of it. It didn’t look like a crowd I’d have much success negotiating with.

Back on the coast road up to Ormond Beach I found a little restaurant. It had one small TV. The ‘gators were on but no one seemed to be watching. I requested and was granted permission to change channels. The barmaid asked my name before taking my order and told me hers. “I won’t have any trouble remembering that” I told her, “That’s my daughter’s name.”

When she brought me my beer she asked me if I was from Ohio, one thing led to another and it turned out she was from my hometown of Warren. She worked at the Lordstown GM plant and knew some people I knew. Her dad was only two years older than me, an unhappy revelation that seems to happen more frequently these days. The final amazing thing about the afternoon’s adventure is that her husband is from Sleepy Hollow, where I lived for 20 years. What are the odds?

Ohio State beat Iowa in overtime to win the Big 10 for the fifth year in a row.

Out-Googling Al Qaeda

We’ve had some of the most thoughtful comments ever on this blog to what was a throw-away comment in my last post about Muslim extremists. In addition to those comments I received several mails as well. I’d like to clarify my point and give everyone the opportunity to explore this issue further.

The first step in solving any problem is to recognize that the problem exists and call it by its true name. This is hardly a controversial point of view; it is shared by many people and is the first step in 12 step programs like AA.

One big problem facing this country is that radical Muslims are at war with us. Invading Iraq and Afghanistan may have exacerbated the problem, but they were at war with us long before those events, and they won’t stop killing us if we leave. Regardless of your position on the wars, this is a big problem that has taken many American lives and it isn’t going to go away by wishing it so.

Many Americans, including some members of the media, seem to be afraid to acknowledge this fact. I’m sure their reasons are varied, but it seems to stem from the belief that it would be even worse to acknowledge the problem because it would stigmatize innocent Muslims as well as those who make war against us. I don’t have an answer to that problem and I feel bad for the innocent. But the problem remains and is made worse by throwing a blanket of political correctness over it.

Failure to recognize the true problem has had us chasing Osama, Saadam, the Taliban and Al Qaeda when the real enemy is a belief system. It should be a propaganda war we are waging. It’s so ironic that a bunch of dark-age religious fanatics are beating us at the game of global communications and social networking. Maybe we should put the Google boys in charge of the war.

No one, not even the nut cases, are calling for Japanese-style internment camps. Quite the opposite; who best to help in this effort than loyal American Muslims who left the old world behind and want to enjoy the fruits of American liberal democracy.

Surely this is one issue where left and right can find some common ground and find a path to victory.