Time Inc. Seeks Government MoneyPublishing Giant Too Big to Fail?
AP – New York, October 28, 2008
Time Incorporated, the world’s largest magazine publisher announced today that it is seeking $3 billion in Federal aid as it suffers from the recent upheavals in the economy.
Time CEO Ann Moore stressed that the money was not a hand-out, but instead would be used to buy ad pages in struggling magazines such as Time, People and Fortune. “This money will be invested in ad pages promoting various government initiatives, which will result in a positive ROI for the people of the United States. We expect participation in important government programs such as food stamps, aid to dependant children, and Medicaid to rise significantly – not to mention enrollment in the armed forces by people with reduced job prospects,” continued Moore, “but these programs will only work if people know about them, and that’s where Time Inc. comes in to play.”
Time is believed to need the money in order to stay in business until it can develop an effective internet strategy. The growth of online media has taken a big bite out of Time’s advertising and subscription revenues and they have yet to find an effective means of fighting back. “It’s only been 12-13 years since the internet came at us out of nowhere,” said Ms. Moore, “and we can hardly be expected to have adapted to such a radical shift in consumer behavior -- from people reading stuff on paper to reading stuff on a computer --in so little time.”
Some industry analysts note that Time Inc. is still quite profitable, throwing off in excess of $1 billion in cash each year, but Jeff Bewkes, CEO of Time Warner (Time’s parent) protests that the parent company needs that money to fund other TW projects such as the movie remake of Get Smart, HBO’s The Life and Times of Tim, and of course CNN’s The Situation Room, with Wolf Blitzer. Bewkes claims these products, “are necessary to preserve the American way of life. Take them away and the terrorists will have won.”
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20 comments:
After reading your headline I said, out loud, HOLY CRAP (for obvious reasons!). Now I'm concerned for your life - I'll contribute to the cost of round-the-clock bodyguards for you and your family.
My apologies to all for the heavy dose of inside baseball, but since every other Fortune 500 company seems to be lining up for a spot at the trough I thought I’d elbow in to get a taste for my own employer.
And I, being a boomer and only concerned about myself, could think only of my pension. Yes, I was there that long (and that long ago) that I have an actual pension for life. One the size of the anorexic hollywood (as opposed to mannywood) starlets.
It did have sort of an "Onion" feel to it. But well done. Especially the ubiquitous "the terrorists win if we don't do this". Not unlike the National Lampoon cover. "If you don't buy this magazine we'll shoot this dog". One of the best ever.
Well done Dennis. it had that just-a-whiff of reality that makes real satire work.
I can smell parody across the room and I too detected the Onion.
But the terrorists will have won if I don't get mine before you get yours.
I think you've just given Ms. Moore her next Big Idea.
Well done, Mr. B!!
In todays news Dream Palace Art, the parent company of,Gaga Paintings, is asking the feds for $12 billion. When The Feds asked what the money would be used for Dream Palace CEO Gaga said,"food,drink,cars & women,I'm broke & I'm paying for yours so its your turn to pay for mine. Oh, & death to America."
Is this for real? If so, even Time magazine has the right to go the way of the buggy whip.
pretty good....
anything coming to the custom pub divisions of Time Inc?
Well...you had me for about a paragraph, but don't get excited. I'm gullible!
Dennis, the stock market spiked about 10 % after your post. It appears that Wall Street approved your rescue plan. I hope Obama reads your blog. He may select you as his interim Secretary of the Treasury until Tony Rezko gets out of prison.
Now Woody, there is enough taint to go around for both parties.
Squeaky Clean is a guy living on the Upper East Side. And he isn't a politician.
It's interesting Denny that your Time story comes on the day The Christian Science Monitor announced the elimination of their paper daily. What was that Richie Havens line, many more will have to die.
Kas, no joke, sorry to hear of the CSM. Never read it but it sucks a publication is shut down.
sorta deals with this blog.
personally I thought gaga said it best. I want to be his Sec of State.
Who is cousin RL?
i owe you a drink thursday night. it may have to be a four martini night.
phil -- i hope you mean 4 between the 2 of us.
JB -- our cousin R.L. Burnside, recently deceased delta bluesman, of whose music i am very fond.
Better earning in the afterlife: A case FOR killing everyone on Wall St.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/29/dead.celebrities/index.html
I have to admit--you got me. Well done!
I feel like Aaronow from Glengarry Glen Ross. I feel like I'm in trouble just for logging on here.....
Moss: In or out. You tell me, you're out you take the consequences.
Aaronow: I do?
Moss: Yes. (Pause.)
Aaronow: And why is that?
Moss: Because you listened.
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